ministry

Look, I have been frustrated as of late, with a very particular annoyance. It seems that my plans for my life and Gods plans for my life are vastly different. I typically find myself drawn into something that I wouldn't intend for myself of my own volition. Often I can say, "Your will be done," but lately, I am too tired, and generally have been accomplishing very little that is tangible.

I would love to be out there, full-tilt, preaching the gospel, reaching out to the oppressed and marginalized, and making the most of the hours that I have felt have been wasting away.
But, this is a very sad commentary on things, and one which makes me look like a victim, and God much like a boss or a supervisor. I have failed in this area, to see what a blessing I have been given. During all my tremblings over my impatience with a God who, "still isn't using me." I have missed the point!!!

Here I have spent the last 19ish years learning and growing, sometimes intentionally, and most often by God's marvelous grace alone. I have learned trades, arts, talents, leadership, etc. all for the sake of use in ministry. However, I don't know how it is all going to work. What and when will God use these things in their fullness? When will I be able to give as fully as I have been receiving? All seemingly good questions, but they all lack a crucial element.
I once said that if God were to give me a small piece of sod to water and mow in the kingdom, that I would rather have that and do it well, then to be overwhelmed and only half-perform. I would like to come before God and be able to be confident that his grace was motivation enough to fully care for that little patch of earth. If I am not content with that, then what? We seek the "Well done, good and faithful servant, " not, "much done" yes? (I am speaking metaphorically, as I don't think God's will for our lives revolves singularly around tasks, petty or not.)
Much more, much richer, much dearer, much stronger, and much livelier is the task he has granted me. It is a task, that if I let it, will consume my entire life. It is a task that is underrated, underworked, with a bountiful harvest. It is the most precious of treasures. And aside from its metaphoric connection to that most beautiful of treasures, the kerygma, the gospel, the life/word, logos, it is the greatest conception that God ever bestowed upon man, and one that he orginated at the start of it all. Woman.

Space and time will not allow me to delve into the depths of this subject. O, for a thousand tongues to sing my Redeemer's praise, I think no less than 3 employed at length would need to sing of my love for my wife. It is that glorious companionship and love that men so deeply need.
So, that is my ministry. One day, I will know what vocational direction I am to go. I will know what the next step is. But ultiamately, that has nothing to do with this.

To conclude, it's simple: I proclaim the gospel in my love for my wife. I mean seriously, what more could you want?

Haggai - Build On!

Hope. Hope is that quality about us humans that links us through our faith to the greatest we believe. I think that many moderns hoped in their ability to know, and thus, all effort was made to achieve knowledge. I think that many post-moderns hope in history, trusting it to work itself out, since in our "situatedness" we are unable to speak of absolutes completely. I think that many of my days are spent wondering about what I should not wonder about.

What I got out of Haggai was that God was very clear about his intentions. He made sure that people understood that while they were busy about building up their own lives, they had left God's house, the temple, in ruins. God issued a mandate moving the people to action, and he makes it happen. He goes down and stirs the spirit of the people, the rulers, and the religious guides to action. What you have then, it God motivating internally to participate in a fantastic project.

Think of the tremendous hope this should inspire. If we truly believe (which is the important part) that our redemption through the sacrifice of His Son is complete, and if we believe that our account has been adjusted from sin and is readjusted with the positive benefit of righteousness, we can hope that even in the matters that swirl around us in our day, God can move the spirits of those around us to participate in a meaningful project.

What is the meaningful project? Jesus interprets this for us: "But seek first His kingdom, and His righteousness and all these things shall be added" (Mat 6:33). The question that should confront our minutes of the day, affections of the heart, and the frailty of our minds, is what are these resources being directed towards? Worrying about tomorrow and trying to prepare for it in a large sense is too distracting.

Well... gotta work. Go read Haggai.. should only take a few minutes...

A snowfall

These days find me looking for work like much of the country. Actually, like much of the world. I would have to be an ego-maniac if I thought that I was personally being marginalized. There is a bigger picture. However, it is still frustrating to think on these things. Ramble ramble...
There is a weird sort of irony that befalls the ambitious. Just when you think that you are on your way to changing things and making a difference, you are given a taste of the bigger picture and your mind is changed. You find a sense of disillusionment settling on you like a light snow settles soundlessly on hedges in the front lawn. You missed it. What you thought you were working for was not at all what you were really after.
I truly believe that it is through these circumstances that God shows us the depth of his love for us. It is when our snow-fallen, crest-fallen, mistaken ambition is revealed that we are opened and our true nature is exposed. We are allowed to see, if only for a brief moment, our motives, our desires, our goals, and how they fall infinitely short of his glory. He doesn't do this to hurt us, but to reveal our sources of ambition so we can submit them to Him.
In my case, I have been working in my current environment as a supervisor of a small, efficient team of part-time workers. I have accomplished quite a deal in organization and structure, and have enjoyed seeing the effects of my labor. I was able to draw from multiple life-experiences in this position, and boost productivity while instituting policy change that has radically affected our workflow. All of this has been done in a vacuum and apart from any sort of direct guidance, but with a freedom that gave me the opportunity to work hard and get stuff done.
In recent months, with the growing concern for the economy, I have begun to ask questions of long-term intentions, including trying to secure a full-time spot that was open. Suddenly, I had crossed the line. What everyone had seemed so supportive of was now not so important, and while people had sung the praises of my work, the singing had stopped. The snow was beginning to fall.
As the months have rolled on, the painful process of realizing how little my work has mattered to the people who are in the position to make decisions has prompted me to re-examine much of what I thought I already had figured out. I had thought my goals were set. I had thought my motive was godly, appropriate and thought-out. In fact, I had made decisions that were based on trusting God with our future, finances, and education. But what I found out was that I had put myself in a position to fuel my personal ambition and not one that would let God be Lord.
Life is very complex. I have never been in a position where everything makes sense. However, the more I learn and the more I study, the more I am convinced that God defies our understanding. Instead of standing aside of the pain of the circumstance, and analyzing it, I am slowly learning that perhaps I am not meant to understand it. Perhaps I am meant TO EXPERIENCE IT. Could it be that God intends pain for his creatures, not for the analysis, but for the lesson learned experientially? I do think so. Now I am standing in the pain, learning it, almost tasting it. It is a beautiful, lovely, and terrible way that a loving God communicates life-truth to his beloved.
Make no mistake about it, knowledge about a situation is not the same as the KNOWLEDGE OF SITUATION. My encouragement to anyone reading this post is to risk the title of the masochist. Look into the river of freezing water rushing past you, or the cold calm snow befalling you. Stop analyzing it. Stop fixing it. Jump in. Let the snow collect on your opened ambition. This is intended to change your mind in a transformational way that facts alone cannot do.